see jayne blog.

When Life Gives Me Lemons I Make Lemonade

My very first legit music video is finally up on The Boy Least Likely To’s vimeo/youtube/myspace! It feels so good to have it officially up there for everyone to see. I kind of can’t believe I actually got to make a music video for these guys. One of my life goals/dreams ever since I started watching MTV back in middle school was to make a music video. These guys are one of my favorite bands and I feel like their music & my style seem to fit together pretty well. And on top of that it just so happened to work out that I had this window of downtime at work so DK let me pretty much just focus on working on this as a personal project for the past few weeks, which I’m super grateful for. I was also lucky to borrow Brian Cole’s editing eyes, Tim Howe’s roto hands, and a jean quilt made by Tim’s wife, Cindy.

My favorite review so far is that its “so adorable, it makes my ovaries weep.”

Weekend

This past weekend we took a little trip over to Whidbey Island for a little day hike around Ebey’s Landing which was really nice. It’s basically this big loop up the side of a bluff and back around on the beach. A pretty leisurely little hike overall, perfect for our first treck of the season. We also went by Deception Pass park which was nice, though super packed with families. I was just happy to be out in the sun.

On Sunday we went to Dim Sum with the family which was tasty as usual. We also got my parents set up with a new 20″ iMac. I’m not sure if they fully appreciate how much of an upgrade it is from the 9 year old Powerbook they were using before, but it makes me feel better knowing how much faster it will be for them. I had to explain to my dad that it was indeed possible to read news online WHILE listening to music on iTunes.

Ahead

I feel like the huge wave of super busy work time has finally passed, but I’m sure it’s just a calm before another storm. I feel like I’m going to be slammed again soon, but for now I’m really enjoying not working on much other than enjoying the nice weather. And looking for a dog.

Actually, I guess you could say that’s been my project for the past few weeks. Most of the time I’ve been online has been spent obsessively checking petfinder and craigslist. It’s so heartbreaking how many pets are being lost or given away every day. There are just so many awesome animals at the shelter & in foster homes all the time. I’ve put in an application for a rescue dog in foster that I’m waiting to hear back on, but there are two other people who applied for the same dog, so we’ll see how that turns out. The process of going through a rescue seems a lot more complicated than I thought it would be but I guess it’s better for the animals that way.

But anyways, overall things are good. The weather’s getting nice so I’m loving Seattle again (Sometimes I forget after a long winter) And I’m getting a haircut tomorrow! Yay!

Max passed away last night sometime while we were sleeping (almost exactly 1 year after his brother, Sam). He was a little over 4 years old which is pretty old for a gerbil. But he was always a tough little guy. He lived through 4 different cat housemates (almost getting eaten by 2 of them) and many daring leaps off the couch. He was awesome at scaling all sorts of pillowy terrains. He was always active, running around building elaborate nests and making his cardboard tube art. Even last night when he could barely drag himself from one side of the cage to the other he was determined to chew on his tubes.

He has always been super healthy up until just a few weeks ago. I noticed he was having trouble going up and down the ramps in his tower and spending more time sleeping in the bottom portion, so I took off the wire top and moved everything down into the bottom potion. I thought it was just because he was old. Then he seemed wobbly and started loosing control of his left hind leg, falling over often and dragging it behind him. I thought maybe he had a stroke, which is apparently common in older gerbils. And for a bit it seemed he was getting over it. But he started breathing heavier and getting skinnier and skinnier. I took him into the vet, who was amazed at how old he was, to get some antibiotics. The vet suggested it was kidney failure, and I’m pretty sure that it was. He was drinking lots of water and loosing weight incredibly fast.

I stayed home yesterday to look after him, and trying to make him as comfortable as possible, giving him food and water. It seemed like all he wanted to do was be picked up. So we held him a lot letting him rest in our warm hands. He was so skinny you could feel all his little gerbil bones as he just laid still in our hands.

I’ve been crying a lot these past few days (I’m crying right now as I write this). It’s been really hard watching him especially these past few days as he got worse and worse. I’m sad he’s gone but at least he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. And at least I know he had a good long life.

I feel like I shouldn’t be so upset over a little gerbil, but he was my baby. I’m really going to miss that little guy…

= (

A sad graph.

This is a screengrab of my little weight graph from Gyminee. It’s almost an entire year’s worth of data. I think it’s interesting that not only does it show my weight flux last year it also shows how much effort I was or was not putting into it. The density of dots at the front is me trying really hard to exercise and eat healthy and the more spread out dots is me giving up. Or only caring about it twice a month. The yellow line is my target, although the Wii fit tells me it’s actually more like 132.

The weirdest/most depressing part of the graph isn’t just that I’m even further behind than when I started but the fact that I’ve gained about 12 pounds in a little over 6 months! You have to understand, that is a lot for my body. In the past I usually haven’t fluxuated more than 5 pounds or so a year. And in the past I’ve never crossed the 145 mark. That was sort of my tipping point last year and what made me start exercising more. But now I have an even higher record, which teeters on the line of being officially overweight (for body 150 is overweight according to those calculators).

I can feel it.

I believe it too. I can feel that extra weight wrapped around my midsection on all sides. I feel it pressing against me. Oppressing me when I move bend or sit. When I pack on weight it doesn’t come in the form of curvy child bearing friendly hips or the voluptious baby got back ass. It’s all in the much less sexy “I wonder if she’s pregnant or just fat” pot belly that competes with my boobs for attention and rolls over my jeans that were at one time loose.

I suck.

The thing is, I am fully aware that it is completely within my control to manage my own body and it is just my sheer lack of will power that is causing me to fail at that. I over eat and hardly exercise. It has been tough in the working world. I could blame my work environment and the fact that my job requires me to be an extension of my computer for over 40 hours a week (and then I come home to my laptop for the rest of the night). And the endless supply of tempting junk food (come on! how can I resist an ice cream sundae party?) in our office kitchen. Or say that I’m just too busy and don’t have enough time for a more active lifestyle.

But those excuses are all crap and you know it. I have plenty of coworkers who I know work much harder and longer hours than I do (I love my job but I’m trying to not burn out). And yet they still manage to find the time and energy to take care of themselves and stay healthy. When it comes down to it, I’m just being lazy and knowing that it’s all my fault makes me feel worse. I know that my body is physically capable of quite a bit more than I give it credit for. And really the hardest part of exercising is just getting off my butt to do it. Once I’m in motion it’s easy.

Sackpeople

Sometimes I read Heidi’s LJ. I’m not really sure why. We’re not really close at all and hardly ever talk aside from occassionally and awkwardly. Perhaps it’s just I like how she writes and secretly envy her carefree adventures. But something about this post a while back just totally got me.

“every day at work, i stare at people in the elevators as we ride and imagine what they looked like 20 years younger and 20 lbs lighter and wonder who i will be when i’m 43. Yo, we work hard, we work so damn hard, and some people work hard at being fit so that when they are 40,they look GOOD.  and some people work hard at work so when they are 40 they look GOOD on paper.  and some people have sunken into their skin, and now they are sack like people who might inflate in a wind–puff up and float off on a low pressure front leaving behind them a trail of stale cigarette smoke and the sour smell of hair dye. I was riding up this hill, and feeling bitter about having SAT in one place in front of a computer all day.  Plotting how to not turn into a ball of flesh with a brain attached but remain a body, a body who moves and breathese and feels good at untold ages. “

It kills me because I feel like I am going to turn into one of those balls of flesh with a brain attached. I don’t want to turn into one of those sack like people. But I can see how easy it would end up like that without even knowing that it happend. Or maybe it kills me because I feel like I’m already there. I am pretty much just a perifrial already.

The plan.

Sorry for the long “boo hoo I’m getting fat” rant but sometimes I feel like the only way I can convince myself to do things is to see it all written out. This is really just for my own sanity. I am trying to come up with a reasonable plan to do something about it. This is what I have so far as a starting point.

exercise

1. Walking to/from work everyday. This basically means walking from downtown (where my first bus drops me off) to Capitol Hill instead of taking two busses. It’s actually a rather plesant 10-20 minute uphill walk and I feel totally awake by the time I get to work if I do this. I have to get up a little earlier but not as early as I would if I was trying to go the the gym before work. And this is theoretically so easy I shouldn’t have any problem with it (unless I’m running really late) All I have to do is not get on a second bus. I’m trying to idiot proof my plan.

2. Pilates at least once a week. I like Pilates alot. I dont know why I stopped going in the winter but I’ve been going back and it makes me happy.

3. At least 20 min cardio (3 times a week?) I’ve always heard that all you need is 20 minutes a day 3 days a week so I’d be ok with testing that theory. That’s less than one epsiode of a show. I need to go back to dance classes. I should also try out the cardio kickboxing class at my gym. I’ve been back to the gym a few times this week. My legs are patheticly sore after a meere 20 minute run on the treadmill. But I guess that means they’re working. I just kind of hate running.

food

1. Cut out work snacking & bad free foods. Even though I can’t blame work, the office kitchen makes it awfully hard to not fall to temptation. So many snacks and sweets and parties and goodies and junky food. I do appreciate having to spend less on groceries by eating at work but I need to work on my ability to not fall for all the random free sweets & treats on the table every day.

2. More fruit/less bagel for breakfast!

3. Don’t overeat when eating out. This is a pretty big one. We go out to eat quite a bit and when we do we usually get a lot of food. And when we get a lot of food I tend to eat a lot of it. I don’t want to swear off going out to eat but I just need a little more restraint.

4. No late night snacking. Those midnight bowls of cereal are just comfort food. I’m not going to starve with out them.

5. UP the veggies. more more more more. I dont eat nearly enough.

So I guess that’s it. That’s the plan for now. We’ll see how well it goes.